73.

I need help.

72.

I lost myself.

It's like I'm not even here anymore.

I miss my body.

71.

I'm not sure what you want for me, but I already know

that when you start getting to know me, you'll be scared

off. You're new, which is exciting for me, but I'm not new

enough to believe everything you're telling me.

People always lie.

I'm tired, and I've lost what I loved about waking up in

the morning. Motivation gone, and these people and places

never change, never grasp at anything other than what

is handed to them. I want something else.

People are never surprises.

And you proved me right. You're so vain, I bet you think this is about you.

I've never felt uglier, more human, and weak.

Right now, I just need you to tell me you think I'm beautiful.

70.

My heart hurts.

And I saw it coming.

And I warned myself.

And I didn't listen.

And my heart hurts.

And it fucking sucks, for lack of a better vocabulary.

You have no idea.

69.

I'm losing connection with everything and everyone I

know, and I'm not sure how to find everything and everyone

again.

I'm depressed, but not normal depressed, the kind that scares me

because I've been here before and it ended with me swallowing

a bottle of pills.

I'm exhausted, I don't want to move. I don't have anyone

to talk to, because everyone is gone, or dealing with their own

shit.

I'm afraid of bothering people, or scaring them. I was doing well.

I'm afraid to eat. I hate that people notice that I don't eat, and comment

on it. I would too, though.

I'm scared, and I'm lonely, and I'm confined by the awful things

I think. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or how I'm going to

stop this.

68.

Back to work, and my bones ache

eating less than using,

and my god, I want a cigarette (but I won't have one)

so there it is.

Waiting for good news, always

but I don't get a lot of it. I miss my family

(I depend too much on them)

and solid ground.

I can feel my bones again.

67.

I don't know what you want me to say.

66.

I like the feeling of getting over things.

It will be a positive day.

65.

I'm trying to stay positive.

I'm not going to be upset about this.

I'm not going to think about it.

I'm going to suck it up.

Second isn't the worst thing.

64.

Crying Fest in my humble little cabin.

It was bound to happen, because keeping what

had been a generally better attitude was

just a little too much to expect from myself.

So, here it is. the breakdown. I was eagerly waiting

for it to appear, I just needed a chance

to be alone. And my god, have I ever been

alone lately. The Breakdown.

I want my friends home, I NEED my friends home.

I don't know how to eat without them.

My dad calls it an addiction, but better I be addicted

to my best friends then addicted to not eating,

And fuck, spending so much time around them meant

no carving shit into me, no taking sleeping pills during the

day. (obviously, the longer I sleep, the less time

I'm awake to do bad things, and think about bad things.)

I feel like the only two people on earth who won't get mad

at me for feeling like this, and understand if I don't want

to eat the sandwich they made for me, and come to my house

if I'm too low to get out of bed, just abandoned me.

But they didn't. They're just going to school. But they're half way

across the country, together, and I'm here. Not together at all.

It's dumb, but I really have no idea how to function

without them here. I don't like having no one.

I'm scared. And I feel like I don't deserve to be scared,

because I brought this upon myself when I decided to throw

up after I fucking eat. I asked for this, didn't I?

I need a hug. I can feel my bones again.

63.

That could easily be number 1 on the list of things I really,

REALLY did not want to know this week.

62.

Things are different.

61.

It's truly a lame thing
when your thoughts are so awful
you're afraid to share them in your own

blog. It's all negative,
so envious, and bitter that I
feel guilty. I'm not a very good friend.

60.

robotic
perhaps

59.

It's interesting... you
are interesting.

Infatuation with a dying
man. Dumb.

I miss my friends.

I miss you.

Also, I'm going to see Parker today.
I'll wear an extra sweater, just to make him
smile.

58.

feelings make things complicated,
explaining feelings is even more complicated.
I have trouble articulating my thoughts and
ideas, taking them from my head
and making them open
for people.

awkward when you read that,
because I was afraid to know what you'd
think
or feel, which turns out it's no
big deal to you, which was what I was aftaid to find out
(hurt my heart a bit...)
But that's not a bad thing.
I don't want you bothered. I only want you to feel how you feel.
Just, sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

No hostility involved... I don't know
how I can convince you that I
have no ill thought of you
at all. I wasn't being hostile...

Please keep me. I'm just bad at words. Get it?

57.

I finally did the right thing.

56.

when I think, I think in a Birmingham
accent.

for the record, I miss you
terribly
and it feels weird having you not
be.

for the record, you're the most
incredible human being.

for the record, I have a bit of a
thing for you, and you make
the barge much less
treacherous.

for the record, I miss how my
house felt before you moved in.

for the record, when you talk
like that
it makes me feel like a fucking
teenager.

for the record, you
make me want to starve. Not that I'd
ever tell you
to your
face.

for the record, I hate her.
just a bit.

for the record, you aren't trying hard
enough.

for the record, I don't tell you
the truth. ever. I'm not doing better.

55.

A repetition of sounds floating
in and out of space, consuming the outer
layers of my body
and not letting
go of it.

54.

For lack of better vocabulary,
and a substantial amount of negative feelings,
this sucks, and I feel like shit.

August needs to be over, please.

53.

1. You weren't supposed to make my heart hurt.
2. I need to take my medication more regularly.
3. They are leaving, and I'm not going anywhere.
4. I don't want to grow up.
5. I made a dumb decision.
6. I wish I could bring my therapist to the barge.
7. He's such a beautiful person, why does he have to have
such a tragic life? He can't die. If anyone deserves life,
it is him.
8. I lost you as a friend when I started having feelings for
you. How sad is that?
9. I forget how to grieve.
8. I will always be just a little bit in love with you.
You'd think after six years that would go away.
7. I write in my blog too much now. This is a sign that I
should start talking to my friends more, I reckon.
6. I'm jealous.
5. I'm afraid to go see you in the hospital, because I don't want
it to be the last memory I have of you.
4. You used to make me feel human. That stopped. I wish it didn't.
3. I don't know what to do with my hands. I wish people understood
me when I said that.
2. I'm tired of this movie. I wish people understood me when I said
THAT, too.
1. Every time I make myself throw up, I'm quite sure I lose a piece
of my soul.
0. 5%.


Thoughts in the past 30 seconds.

52.

I should be careful what I wish for.

What you are doing isn't nice,
it's not okay.

Hollow, hollow chest.
Faze over, most surely.

51.

You lied to me today.

50.

Something changed fast,
because how I feel isn't how I felt
but I at least thought I'd look
different afterwards.

I don't look any different.

I also forgot you weren't here,
then remembered,
then felt guilty for not feeling sad for a moment.
Funny.

It hurt. A lot. More than I
expected, and I desperately wanted a cigarette
afterwards, but for a reason unlike
normal.

I feel like a child,
but I'm supposed to feel like I
grew up over night. But I don't, so
am I broken?

Possibly, because I can't keep a straight
opinion of any one, or anything right now.
I kind of thought you were a saint.
But you're really not. Just a person.

Different you's, of course. Because
people are running in and out of my life
so fucking fast. I'm afraid to blink.

Funny, I thought I'd be more sad
when my mind changed. I knew it would,
inevitable. You can't feel the same for
so very long. But I'm indifferent,
which is better, because things can go back to
normal.

Or, normal-like anyways.
Things never really go back to the way they were.

49,

a lot of waiting for something, someone
that nothing solid or constant can come from.
too early to correct, or think,
all I know is, nothing is better than this,
which means it's done. the highlighter
is out of that bright yellow colour.

it's my duty to inform you that
I love you, but I shouldn't, but I
do, but I really really really shouldn't
and unrequited? No peanut butter for me then.

too much changing, too much too fast,
and I almost crave barge time, because
at least that is time when I know
I'm doing some work, leaving you alone

I don't want to wait around for the one
person I crave comfort from. I don't want
you to be the person that I for, only
to find you didn't need me at all to make you
happy, or complete.

I'm tired of not knowing.
This is supposed to be fun. Happy

This isn't going to end well, is it?

48.

I have never needed someone more
in my entire existence
then right in this
moment. Now.

47.

home, but it doesn't really feel like
home, but it doesn't really look like
home, but it doesn't really smell like
home, but it doesn't really taste like
home.

46.

Nothing gold can stay.

45.

I miss home.
I miss feeling comfortable.
I miss my dad.
And my recently deceased gold fish.
I miss my best friends.
I miss being able to cry.
I miss feeling human,
And I miss home.

I want home.

I miss. Quite a bit.

44.

It's interesting,
how this works. You know?

Because I thought
maybe
something would be different.

I feel like an idiot,
With a hollow, hollow chest.

43.

There is this thing.
It makes it hard, because I haven't gotten an update...
But every time my eyes are closed, I see your face.

And when I'm sitting on a couch, half asleep, I close my eyes
And I see your hand in mine, your shoulder to lean on.

When I lie in bed, and I close my eyes, I see you beside me,
caressing my body. It's just this thing.

Just one of those things.

43.

I cut myself. First time in months.
Struggling to function.
Shit.

I feel weak. I feel like dying, and crying,
What is keeping me here? I'm not even sure...
Perhaps some hope, but I'm not hearing what
I need to hear. I'm not getting what I need.

I need time to stop, just for moment, just so I
can take a breather. I need to sleep without drugs.
I need closure for Parker, and you.

I need you. Which is a problem.

"I fall in love far too quickly, I never want you to forget me,
When you're gone... will you call? Will you write?"

42.

It's strange... I thought it would be more difficult to
not eat here. But it's easy. And there is
more pressure to eat less, because everyone
is watching.

Losing weight again feels nice. It's been a while.
Of course, there is something clearly wrong with me
and should stop this
but it's the o ly good feeling I've gotten since I got here.
And tonight, for instance... I needed it.

I'm ready starting to feel the suicide voice crawl back
Into my head.

I'm not listening, I'm not listening!

41.

Negative thoughts, you are prominent this evening,
and I'm scared.

I'm scared.

40.

I'm still waiting for you to tell me that you don't,
or you can't do this. Because it's literally
painful and sad, and I'm not worth
the trouble, or the time...

I'm needy, and I need someone who will take
care of me. Who will be okay with the
fact that I cry more than I should.
And I don't think you,

Even though you are the greatest human being
I've never not met, really want that,
or want me. Do you?

39.

Depersonalization disorder...
Fabulous, because what I really need right now is
Another disorder to work on in therapy!

I shouldn't be complaining. There is worse shit.
And this one makes so much sense,
It's almost surreal. But these disorders keep showing up
And I'm not sure I'm underneath them anymore.

Honestly? I just need a damn hug.

38.

I hate being the faze people go through
when they don't have anyone else,
because it feels fucking shitty when you realize you
are, in fact, the faze.

I'm too selfish to be okay with the fact that you
don't think I'm special.

Not that I deserve to be. But,
there is a reason why I don't talk to people-
I get attached, and as it turns out, I'm
not so great when you actually get to know
me.

I wouldn't like me either.
Please, please, please,
get rid of me completely now.

37.

I think about you more than I
should.

Not a lot. Not every moment.
Just more than I should.

Stop it!

36.

You should feel an inkling of
Concern, when you swallow five gravol
And seven tylonol

You are not human anymore.
You should not be going to sleep every night
Hoping you won't wake up.

You should want to wake up.
There should be something to keep you here.

So, why isn't there?

You are not human anymore.

35.

there is nothing worse than not really exsisting to somebody
because when you look at yourself
you start looking a bit blurry.

you have no idea how spectacular you are
and how useless and young and pathetic you make me feel.

not that it's your fault. you are way too fucking nice to
make me really disappear for real
but next time,
can you lie to me, and maybe say something

like, "You are normal. You are human. You are perfect
even with your flaws. You drive me a bit insane,
because you are young and foolish. but you are not invisible to me,

not even a little bit."

I'd really like that, if you could lie to me. I hate your honesty.

34.

there's something about being forgotten... being ignored...

how could i have messed this up? i was so careful...

i am now a ghost.

i always thought this feeling would be better. that i'd feel light...

i would feel like being if i was this light.

but, i'm still here, still vast, still breathing, still eating,

feeling light as ever...

and i feel like i'm sinking.

i feel dead.

i am now a ghost.

33.

when is it okay to give up?

when is it okay for me to give up?

how bad does it have to get before it's okay for me to stop caring?

my life is getting useless.

32.

i remember,

being relevant,

now- transparent.

i used to have a personality.

31,

i was wondering- could i give you the reigns so i could fall

and lose what i don't need and don't want

but i do want it. or at least i think i do. i want something.

but need is better than want, and what i need is to be monitored every damned minute of my day to make sure i don't purge or restrict...

because i can't do it by myself.

today i lost all the hope i had.

"you are not sick enough for inpatient. bulimics don't go there. what you need is CBT and outpatient."

thank you, but i've been in therapy for 3 years. i know what i need, and what i need is a doctor who will take my disease seriously.

30.

i'm so afraid of living,

and failing

and falling

and forgetting,

so how do i separate living with

growing up and growing out

of everything i've always done?

change is harder than it should be.

how hard is it to eat a piece of fucking birthday cake?