9.

on the other hand,
i look forward to when daddy decides he
doesn't want to come home, because
even though i hate when he doesn't,
it's nice to know that i don't have
to hide everything from everyone.

i know it sounds sick, and it's
not that throwing up feels good, pursay,
but it feels good to have control of
something.

above all, feeling like my whole body is
transparent, is the best feeling yet.

no one wants that, though...
or maybe everyone wants that...

i can't say i know.

8.

other than that (the throwing up),
when i'm near a friend, i don't eat,
because vomiting is not enjoyable,
and baking soda and water taste like
shit. but, i sort of don't want my teeth
to disinigrate... that'd be no good.

everytime i look at food, i
have a choice: eat, purge, or
just not eat. not eating, of course,
if so much better, because you don't
have to keep it such a secret, and it's
easier to convince daddy that i've
already eaten, rather than telling him i feel
sick again, and again, and again.
daddy really shouldn't have to worry about
things like that, because things like
that just aren't important.

7.

afterwards:
i always throw it up,
because after all, I don't
really want to be fat,
i want everything to disapear,

especially the double digit
pants and medium shirts,
because i don't want to
be fat, and don't get me wrong, please,

i know no one's perfect,
but everytime i look in
the mirror, i see someone
i hate looking at, and
i just want her to disapear

before the people around
me get used to her, and
begin to think she is me.