16.

on vacation.

without medication.

grandparents... "that sweater won't fit you,

you're bigger than me"

"you are going to fail"

"you look alright"

without medication.

starting to feel again, which is better than

numb, sometimes

but the tears don't feel good at all

sleeping pills.

i could take a few.

i didn't know it would be this bad

but, the grandparents make

everything worse. because they hate having

fat

grandchildren. they are fit as fiddles.

it takes everything

in

me

to

forget.

15.

something prestige about this city

something is different about it, quite filled with life

and beautiful people

you are never alone, and it feels like

popcorn.

i can't get enough of the air, so i

keep breathing deep, hoping to keep as much in

me as possible.

you are never alone, and it feels like

syrup.

sticky, cool, and sweet, and even if you say you don't

want any, you always end up putting more

and more on your pancakes.

you are never alone, and it feels like

diet coke.

no matter what, i don't feel guilty drinking it in

even if there are a million reasons why

i shouldn't. no guilt in no calories.

i love this city, and i love

being able to put my feet on the dirt pavement

and just be.

like popcorn, like syrup, like diet coke.

14.

across the street from me is a busker, cross

legged, dark green fedora (an accessory normally

frowned upon by me, but is excusable is you are

sporting a guitar) and closed eyes

i can't here what he's playing, because i am

inside the cafe, and he is out,

but he looks so enraptured with his music that

i wonder if he ever gets self conscious.

i would like to sit beside him, good music or not

and just listen. because even though i can't hear him

and i can't listen

he is already my favourite musician.

13.

day one, a fast of epic proportions

and that means that tea, water, and diet coke is the only thing i have consumed.

it's so strange, the rush you get from not eating...

still, after years of this, nothing feels more satisfying,

more disgusting. i often wonder when i'll feel something a bit better,

a bit more natural.

of course, i've cheated, because weakness runs

in the family, i consumed 600 calories of shit i didn't need

in my system. or do need, but don't want

and now i'll spend the rest of my evening feeling

like everything, when all i want

is to be nothing.

12.

she had her heart broken, without even giving it away,

and now her stomach hurts, and she wants to lie

in the fetal position for a while.

and she'd binge on ice cream and chocolate,

like every other teenager does...

but she can't.

cheers, summer time.

11.

he told me he felt worthless, and whether you are worth

something, or nothing, you should feel costless, right?

he gave up on himself long before he realized this though.

you see, this boy is really smart, but he makes these

awful decisions. he doesn't realize how amazing he is,

so he embodies this boy who isn't him. this boy is awful.

i hate the new him. or the old him. whatever he has been

since i met him. and i don't talk with him often enough to

know why he is who he is. but every now and then,

a really old him appears. he smiles, and he looks almost

happy. i know he's not, though. no one can make him happy.

not me, not anyone. so why should he bother?

i got mad at him. i got made at him for thinking like he does.

i'm a hypocrite. we are in the same boat, and i feel terrible.

but he doesn't even care about what i said. it's too late.

i've given up on myself. i don't think i can change my life,

sometimes. sometimes i want to, because it will make everyone

happier. people will stop watching my empty plate.

so, how do we find something to keep us going? how do we

get out of this egocentric point of view, and figure out a way

to change. or to want to change. will i ever want to change?

or, i guess, want to change for myself.

because changing isn't hard. it's staying changed

that is the hard part. it's keeping the plate full constantly, that is the hard part.

10.

so, how does one get help when she's not so sure

she wants it?

it's been more than a year

and nothing has changed.

except people know now.

everyone knows, except for my sister... and brother... and grandparents... and so on...

but daddy knows. and so do the friends.

and the shrinks.

and i try to stop puking

and i try to eat

but every time i do, time stops again.

and you guys no how much i hate when time stops.