11.

he told me he felt worthless, and whether you are worth

something, or nothing, you should feel costless, right?

he gave up on himself long before he realized this though.

you see, this boy is really smart, but he makes these

awful decisions. he doesn't realize how amazing he is,

so he embodies this boy who isn't him. this boy is awful.

i hate the new him. or the old him. whatever he has been

since i met him. and i don't talk with him often enough to

know why he is who he is. but every now and then,

a really old him appears. he smiles, and he looks almost

happy. i know he's not, though. no one can make him happy.

not me, not anyone. so why should he bother?

i got mad at him. i got made at him for thinking like he does.

i'm a hypocrite. we are in the same boat, and i feel terrible.

but he doesn't even care about what i said. it's too late.

i've given up on myself. i don't think i can change my life,

sometimes. sometimes i want to, because it will make everyone

happier. people will stop watching my empty plate.

so, how do we find something to keep us going? how do we

get out of this egocentric point of view, and figure out a way

to change. or to want to change. will i ever want to change?

or, i guess, want to change for myself.

because changing isn't hard. it's staying changed

that is the hard part. it's keeping the plate full constantly, that is the hard part.