29.

everyday, you confirm my worst fears,

and i'm selfish enough to want you to have

only me. but we're so many miles apart

that it's impossible to think

maybe you WON'T forget about me.

you already started...

28.

panic attacks and a loss of feeling in

brain, trying to want to recover, trying to

stay where i am, continue feeling bones stick

out of my body, because the body isn't thin

enough. not think enough for treatment,

not thin enough to be sick yet. ED talking, but

what is the difference anymore?

every 3 minutes, tears, panic,

diet pills... did i really buy some?

dreaming, of course... how could i waste my money on

something to foolish

so dangerous.

how do i get out of my life?

i can't handle this anymore.

27,

i miss life.

so

fucking

much.

26.

can i drink away my feelings?

is that okay?

is drinking better than cutting?

better than not eating?

whatever.

25.

you are blind.

because the moment you stop seeing what is

right in front of you

is the moment you lose

everything that meant anything to you.

i need, for just one day, someone

to tell me i am not crazy.

i need, for just one day, someone

to tell me they love me.

that i'm not just anyone. that i'm someone.

to be someone, would be an awfully big adventure.

i just don't think i'll ever get over you.

how can i? your someone, not just anyone,

even if i'm just anyone to you.

even if i'm crazy.

even if you don't love me.

even if i'm just anyone, not someone.

24.

somewhere in the midst of all my chaos

i lost my future.

and now, i'm not so sure i know what to do anymore.

life just needs to stop sometimes.

i just need it to stop.

just for a few seconds.

23.

"Why can't I just talk to God?
What would I say?
God, I miss home.
I miss it now.

I miss my house.
I miss my home.
I miss my grade six love.
I miss my health.
I miss my home.
I miss my grade six love.

I miss the way that my mom smelled.
I miss the way that she could cure any common cold you held.
I would watch movies with my Dad before I knew his secret heart to know the loves that he has had.
When I caught frogs in watered ponds.
I woke to sound and not to noise as my neighbours worshipped God.
I miss my house.
I miss my home.
I miss the heart that I had. "

22.

why is it

that no matter what i do

i can't stop how i feel.

what if i never fall out of love with you?

four years is too long.

but, i guess

somethings never change.

21.

it's the first night in my

new home.

it doesn't feel like home, because the walls are bare

and it doesn't smell like

incense and coffee grounds.

i miss daddy more than

i miss my sanity.

because i don't need sanity,

but without him, the chances of me

getting better are

slim.

(slim? i wish, right?)

the only thing that resembles my life

is my new closet;

organized chaos

and i love it.

20.

my life was packed into 3 boxes today,

2 more boxes to go.

moving is so strange... because i've

been looking forward to this since i was in

primary school.

and now, all i want to do is never leave.

19.

i hate lies.

the end.

18.

today,

i realized,

that without anti-depressants,

in my system,

i,

am,

a,

suicide risk.

it's a good thing i'm getting some more tomorrow.

17.

finally home,

but now the grandparents are in my

turf, so i can talk back, and fight

for my right to be happy

but, it isn't home for long

because the big move is in a week...

can you imagine? it's scary,

because all i want is to

have a place to call home. but home

is something you only truly have once,

a place where you can forget about life

and just sit on your couch all day

and be you. you can cry in a home,

and laugh, and starve, and eat,

and it's yours. but once you move

out, you spend the rest of your

life living in hotels, writing on

hotel paper, and

never getting that home feeling again.

but you see, the thing is,

without home, i'm just a person

breathing, crying, starving, eating,

without a family, writing on hotel

paper.

16.

on vacation.

without medication.

grandparents... "that sweater won't fit you,

you're bigger than me"

"you are going to fail"

"you look alright"

without medication.

starting to feel again, which is better than

numb, sometimes

but the tears don't feel good at all

sleeping pills.

i could take a few.

i didn't know it would be this bad

but, the grandparents make

everything worse. because they hate having

fat

grandchildren. they are fit as fiddles.

it takes everything

in

me

to

forget.

15.

something prestige about this city

something is different about it, quite filled with life

and beautiful people

you are never alone, and it feels like

popcorn.

i can't get enough of the air, so i

keep breathing deep, hoping to keep as much in

me as possible.

you are never alone, and it feels like

syrup.

sticky, cool, and sweet, and even if you say you don't

want any, you always end up putting more

and more on your pancakes.

you are never alone, and it feels like

diet coke.

no matter what, i don't feel guilty drinking it in

even if there are a million reasons why

i shouldn't. no guilt in no calories.

i love this city, and i love

being able to put my feet on the dirt pavement

and just be.

like popcorn, like syrup, like diet coke.

14.

across the street from me is a busker, cross

legged, dark green fedora (an accessory normally

frowned upon by me, but is excusable is you are

sporting a guitar) and closed eyes

i can't here what he's playing, because i am

inside the cafe, and he is out,

but he looks so enraptured with his music that

i wonder if he ever gets self conscious.

i would like to sit beside him, good music or not

and just listen. because even though i can't hear him

and i can't listen

he is already my favourite musician.

13.

day one, a fast of epic proportions

and that means that tea, water, and diet coke is the only thing i have consumed.

it's so strange, the rush you get from not eating...

still, after years of this, nothing feels more satisfying,

more disgusting. i often wonder when i'll feel something a bit better,

a bit more natural.

of course, i've cheated, because weakness runs

in the family, i consumed 600 calories of shit i didn't need

in my system. or do need, but don't want

and now i'll spend the rest of my evening feeling

like everything, when all i want

is to be nothing.

12.

she had her heart broken, without even giving it away,

and now her stomach hurts, and she wants to lie

in the fetal position for a while.

and she'd binge on ice cream and chocolate,

like every other teenager does...

but she can't.

cheers, summer time.

11.

he told me he felt worthless, and whether you are worth

something, or nothing, you should feel costless, right?

he gave up on himself long before he realized this though.

you see, this boy is really smart, but he makes these

awful decisions. he doesn't realize how amazing he is,

so he embodies this boy who isn't him. this boy is awful.

i hate the new him. or the old him. whatever he has been

since i met him. and i don't talk with him often enough to

know why he is who he is. but every now and then,

a really old him appears. he smiles, and he looks almost

happy. i know he's not, though. no one can make him happy.

not me, not anyone. so why should he bother?

i got mad at him. i got made at him for thinking like he does.

i'm a hypocrite. we are in the same boat, and i feel terrible.

but he doesn't even care about what i said. it's too late.

i've given up on myself. i don't think i can change my life,

sometimes. sometimes i want to, because it will make everyone

happier. people will stop watching my empty plate.

so, how do we find something to keep us going? how do we

get out of this egocentric point of view, and figure out a way

to change. or to want to change. will i ever want to change?

or, i guess, want to change for myself.

because changing isn't hard. it's staying changed

that is the hard part. it's keeping the plate full constantly, that is the hard part.

10.

so, how does one get help when she's not so sure

she wants it?

it's been more than a year

and nothing has changed.

except people know now.

everyone knows, except for my sister... and brother... and grandparents... and so on...

but daddy knows. and so do the friends.

and the shrinks.

and i try to stop puking

and i try to eat

but every time i do, time stops again.

and you guys no how much i hate when time stops.