56.

when I think, I think in a Birmingham
accent.

for the record, I miss you
terribly
and it feels weird having you not
be.

for the record, you're the most
incredible human being.

for the record, I have a bit of a
thing for you, and you make
the barge much less
treacherous.

for the record, I miss how my
house felt before you moved in.

for the record, when you talk
like that
it makes me feel like a fucking
teenager.

for the record, you
make me want to starve. Not that I'd
ever tell you
to your
face.

for the record, I hate her.
just a bit.

for the record, you aren't trying hard
enough.

for the record, I don't tell you
the truth. ever. I'm not doing better.

55.

A repetition of sounds floating
in and out of space, consuming the outer
layers of my body
and not letting
go of it.

54.

For lack of better vocabulary,
and a substantial amount of negative feelings,
this sucks, and I feel like shit.

August needs to be over, please.

53.

1. You weren't supposed to make my heart hurt.
2. I need to take my medication more regularly.
3. They are leaving, and I'm not going anywhere.
4. I don't want to grow up.
5. I made a dumb decision.
6. I wish I could bring my therapist to the barge.
7. He's such a beautiful person, why does he have to have
such a tragic life? He can't die. If anyone deserves life,
it is him.
8. I lost you as a friend when I started having feelings for
you. How sad is that?
9. I forget how to grieve.
8. I will always be just a little bit in love with you.
You'd think after six years that would go away.
7. I write in my blog too much now. This is a sign that I
should start talking to my friends more, I reckon.
6. I'm jealous.
5. I'm afraid to go see you in the hospital, because I don't want
it to be the last memory I have of you.
4. You used to make me feel human. That stopped. I wish it didn't.
3. I don't know what to do with my hands. I wish people understood
me when I said that.
2. I'm tired of this movie. I wish people understood me when I said
THAT, too.
1. Every time I make myself throw up, I'm quite sure I lose a piece
of my soul.
0. 5%.


Thoughts in the past 30 seconds.

52.

I should be careful what I wish for.

What you are doing isn't nice,
it's not okay.

Hollow, hollow chest.
Faze over, most surely.

51.

You lied to me today.

50.

Something changed fast,
because how I feel isn't how I felt
but I at least thought I'd look
different afterwards.

I don't look any different.

I also forgot you weren't here,
then remembered,
then felt guilty for not feeling sad for a moment.
Funny.

It hurt. A lot. More than I
expected, and I desperately wanted a cigarette
afterwards, but for a reason unlike
normal.

I feel like a child,
but I'm supposed to feel like I
grew up over night. But I don't, so
am I broken?

Possibly, because I can't keep a straight
opinion of any one, or anything right now.
I kind of thought you were a saint.
But you're really not. Just a person.

Different you's, of course. Because
people are running in and out of my life
so fucking fast. I'm afraid to blink.

Funny, I thought I'd be more sad
when my mind changed. I knew it would,
inevitable. You can't feel the same for
so very long. But I'm indifferent,
which is better, because things can go back to
normal.

Or, normal-like anyways.
Things never really go back to the way they were.