45.

I miss home.
I miss feeling comfortable.
I miss my dad.
And my recently deceased gold fish.
I miss my best friends.
I miss being able to cry.
I miss feeling human,
And I miss home.

I want home.

I miss. Quite a bit.

44.

It's interesting,
how this works. You know?

Because I thought
maybe
something would be different.

I feel like an idiot,
With a hollow, hollow chest.

43.

There is this thing.
It makes it hard, because I haven't gotten an update...
But every time my eyes are closed, I see your face.

And when I'm sitting on a couch, half asleep, I close my eyes
And I see your hand in mine, your shoulder to lean on.

When I lie in bed, and I close my eyes, I see you beside me,
caressing my body. It's just this thing.

Just one of those things.

43.

I cut myself. First time in months.
Struggling to function.
Shit.

I feel weak. I feel like dying, and crying,
What is keeping me here? I'm not even sure...
Perhaps some hope, but I'm not hearing what
I need to hear. I'm not getting what I need.

I need time to stop, just for moment, just so I
can take a breather. I need to sleep without drugs.
I need closure for Parker, and you.

I need you. Which is a problem.

"I fall in love far too quickly, I never want you to forget me,
When you're gone... will you call? Will you write?"

42.

It's strange... I thought it would be more difficult to
not eat here. But it's easy. And there is
more pressure to eat less, because everyone
is watching.

Losing weight again feels nice. It's been a while.
Of course, there is something clearly wrong with me
and should stop this
but it's the o ly good feeling I've gotten since I got here.
And tonight, for instance... I needed it.

I'm ready starting to feel the suicide voice crawl back
Into my head.

I'm not listening, I'm not listening!

41.

Negative thoughts, you are prominent this evening,
and I'm scared.

I'm scared.

40.

I'm still waiting for you to tell me that you don't,
or you can't do this. Because it's literally
painful and sad, and I'm not worth
the trouble, or the time...

I'm needy, and I need someone who will take
care of me. Who will be okay with the
fact that I cry more than I should.
And I don't think you,

Even though you are the greatest human being
I've never not met, really want that,
or want me. Do you?