36.

You should feel an inkling of
Concern, when you swallow five gravol
And seven tylonol

You are not human anymore.
You should not be going to sleep every night
Hoping you won't wake up.

You should want to wake up.
There should be something to keep you here.

So, why isn't there?

You are not human anymore.

35.

there is nothing worse than not really exsisting to somebody
because when you look at yourself
you start looking a bit blurry.

you have no idea how spectacular you are
and how useless and young and pathetic you make me feel.

not that it's your fault. you are way too fucking nice to
make me really disappear for real
but next time,
can you lie to me, and maybe say something

like, "You are normal. You are human. You are perfect
even with your flaws. You drive me a bit insane,
because you are young and foolish. but you are not invisible to me,

not even a little bit."

I'd really like that, if you could lie to me. I hate your honesty.

34.

there's something about being forgotten... being ignored...

how could i have messed this up? i was so careful...

i am now a ghost.

i always thought this feeling would be better. that i'd feel light...

i would feel like being if i was this light.

but, i'm still here, still vast, still breathing, still eating,

feeling light as ever...

and i feel like i'm sinking.

i feel dead.

i am now a ghost.

33.

when is it okay to give up?

when is it okay for me to give up?

how bad does it have to get before it's okay for me to stop caring?

my life is getting useless.

32.

i remember,

being relevant,

now- transparent.

i used to have a personality.

31,

i was wondering- could i give you the reigns so i could fall

and lose what i don't need and don't want

but i do want it. or at least i think i do. i want something.

but need is better than want, and what i need is to be monitored every damned minute of my day to make sure i don't purge or restrict...

because i can't do it by myself.

today i lost all the hope i had.

"you are not sick enough for inpatient. bulimics don't go there. what you need is CBT and outpatient."

thank you, but i've been in therapy for 3 years. i know what i need, and what i need is a doctor who will take my disease seriously.

30.

i'm so afraid of living,

and failing

and falling

and forgetting,

so how do i separate living with

growing up and growing out

of everything i've always done?

change is harder than it should be.

how hard is it to eat a piece of fucking birthday cake?