34.

there's something about being forgotten... being ignored...

how could i have messed this up? i was so careful...

i am now a ghost.

i always thought this feeling would be better. that i'd feel light...

i would feel like being if i was this light.

but, i'm still here, still vast, still breathing, still eating,

feeling light as ever...

and i feel like i'm sinking.

i feel dead.

i am now a ghost.

33.

when is it okay to give up?

when is it okay for me to give up?

how bad does it have to get before it's okay for me to stop caring?

my life is getting useless.

32.

i remember,

being relevant,

now- transparent.

i used to have a personality.

31,

i was wondering- could i give you the reigns so i could fall

and lose what i don't need and don't want

but i do want it. or at least i think i do. i want something.

but need is better than want, and what i need is to be monitored every damned minute of my day to make sure i don't purge or restrict...

because i can't do it by myself.

today i lost all the hope i had.

"you are not sick enough for inpatient. bulimics don't go there. what you need is CBT and outpatient."

thank you, but i've been in therapy for 3 years. i know what i need, and what i need is a doctor who will take my disease seriously.

30.

i'm so afraid of living,

and failing

and falling

and forgetting,

so how do i separate living with

growing up and growing out

of everything i've always done?

change is harder than it should be.

how hard is it to eat a piece of fucking birthday cake?

29.

everyday, you confirm my worst fears,

and i'm selfish enough to want you to have

only me. but we're so many miles apart

that it's impossible to think

maybe you WON'T forget about me.

you already started...

28.

panic attacks and a loss of feeling in

brain, trying to want to recover, trying to

stay where i am, continue feeling bones stick

out of my body, because the body isn't thin

enough. not think enough for treatment,

not thin enough to be sick yet. ED talking, but

what is the difference anymore?

every 3 minutes, tears, panic,

diet pills... did i really buy some?

dreaming, of course... how could i waste my money on

something to foolish

so dangerous.

how do i get out of my life?

i can't handle this anymore.