57.

I finally did the right thing.

56.

when I think, I think in a Birmingham
accent.

for the record, I miss you
terribly
and it feels weird having you not
be.

for the record, you're the most
incredible human being.

for the record, I have a bit of a
thing for you, and you make
the barge much less
treacherous.

for the record, I miss how my
house felt before you moved in.

for the record, when you talk
like that
it makes me feel like a fucking
teenager.

for the record, you
make me want to starve. Not that I'd
ever tell you
to your
face.

for the record, I hate her.
just a bit.

for the record, you aren't trying hard
enough.

for the record, I don't tell you
the truth. ever. I'm not doing better.

55.

A repetition of sounds floating
in and out of space, consuming the outer
layers of my body
and not letting
go of it.

54.

For lack of better vocabulary,
and a substantial amount of negative feelings,
this sucks, and I feel like shit.

August needs to be over, please.

53.

1. You weren't supposed to make my heart hurt.
2. I need to take my medication more regularly.
3. They are leaving, and I'm not going anywhere.
4. I don't want to grow up.
5. I made a dumb decision.
6. I wish I could bring my therapist to the barge.
7. He's such a beautiful person, why does he have to have
such a tragic life? He can't die. If anyone deserves life,
it is him.
8. I lost you as a friend when I started having feelings for
you. How sad is that?
9. I forget how to grieve.
8. I will always be just a little bit in love with you.
You'd think after six years that would go away.
7. I write in my blog too much now. This is a sign that I
should start talking to my friends more, I reckon.
6. I'm jealous.
5. I'm afraid to go see you in the hospital, because I don't want
it to be the last memory I have of you.
4. You used to make me feel human. That stopped. I wish it didn't.
3. I don't know what to do with my hands. I wish people understood
me when I said that.
2. I'm tired of this movie. I wish people understood me when I said
THAT, too.
1. Every time I make myself throw up, I'm quite sure I lose a piece
of my soul.
0. 5%.


Thoughts in the past 30 seconds.

52.

I should be careful what I wish for.

What you are doing isn't nice,
it's not okay.

Hollow, hollow chest.
Faze over, most surely.

51.

You lied to me today.

50.

Something changed fast,
because how I feel isn't how I felt
but I at least thought I'd look
different afterwards.

I don't look any different.

I also forgot you weren't here,
then remembered,
then felt guilty for not feeling sad for a moment.
Funny.

It hurt. A lot. More than I
expected, and I desperately wanted a cigarette
afterwards, but for a reason unlike
normal.

I feel like a child,
but I'm supposed to feel like I
grew up over night. But I don't, so
am I broken?

Possibly, because I can't keep a straight
opinion of any one, or anything right now.
I kind of thought you were a saint.
But you're really not. Just a person.

Different you's, of course. Because
people are running in and out of my life
so fucking fast. I'm afraid to blink.

Funny, I thought I'd be more sad
when my mind changed. I knew it would,
inevitable. You can't feel the same for
so very long. But I'm indifferent,
which is better, because things can go back to
normal.

Or, normal-like anyways.
Things never really go back to the way they were.

49,

a lot of waiting for something, someone
that nothing solid or constant can come from.
too early to correct, or think,
all I know is, nothing is better than this,
which means it's done. the highlighter
is out of that bright yellow colour.

it's my duty to inform you that
I love you, but I shouldn't, but I
do, but I really really really shouldn't
and unrequited? No peanut butter for me then.

too much changing, too much too fast,
and I almost crave barge time, because
at least that is time when I know
I'm doing some work, leaving you alone

I don't want to wait around for the one
person I crave comfort from. I don't want
you to be the person that I for, only
to find you didn't need me at all to make you
happy, or complete.

I'm tired of not knowing.
This is supposed to be fun. Happy

This isn't going to end well, is it?

48.

I have never needed someone more
in my entire existence
then right in this
moment. Now.

47.

home, but it doesn't really feel like
home, but it doesn't really look like
home, but it doesn't really smell like
home, but it doesn't really taste like
home.

46.

Nothing gold can stay.

45.

I miss home.
I miss feeling comfortable.
I miss my dad.
And my recently deceased gold fish.
I miss my best friends.
I miss being able to cry.
I miss feeling human,
And I miss home.

I want home.

I miss. Quite a bit.

44.

It's interesting,
how this works. You know?

Because I thought
maybe
something would be different.

I feel like an idiot,
With a hollow, hollow chest.

43.

There is this thing.
It makes it hard, because I haven't gotten an update...
But every time my eyes are closed, I see your face.

And when I'm sitting on a couch, half asleep, I close my eyes
And I see your hand in mine, your shoulder to lean on.

When I lie in bed, and I close my eyes, I see you beside me,
caressing my body. It's just this thing.

Just one of those things.