69.

I'm losing connection with everything and everyone I

know, and I'm not sure how to find everything and everyone

again.

I'm depressed, but not normal depressed, the kind that scares me

because I've been here before and it ended with me swallowing

a bottle of pills.

I'm exhausted, I don't want to move. I don't have anyone

to talk to, because everyone is gone, or dealing with their own

shit.

I'm afraid of bothering people, or scaring them. I was doing well.

I'm afraid to eat. I hate that people notice that I don't eat, and comment

on it. I would too, though.

I'm scared, and I'm lonely, and I'm confined by the awful things

I think. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or how I'm going to

stop this.

68.

Back to work, and my bones ache

eating less than using,

and my god, I want a cigarette (but I won't have one)

so there it is.

Waiting for good news, always

but I don't get a lot of it. I miss my family

(I depend too much on them)

and solid ground.

I can feel my bones again.

67.

I don't know what you want me to say.

66.

I like the feeling of getting over things.

It will be a positive day.

65.

I'm trying to stay positive.

I'm not going to be upset about this.

I'm not going to think about it.

I'm going to suck it up.

Second isn't the worst thing.

64.

Crying Fest in my humble little cabin.

It was bound to happen, because keeping what

had been a generally better attitude was

just a little too much to expect from myself.

So, here it is. the breakdown. I was eagerly waiting

for it to appear, I just needed a chance

to be alone. And my god, have I ever been

alone lately. The Breakdown.

I want my friends home, I NEED my friends home.

I don't know how to eat without them.

My dad calls it an addiction, but better I be addicted

to my best friends then addicted to not eating,

And fuck, spending so much time around them meant

no carving shit into me, no taking sleeping pills during the

day. (obviously, the longer I sleep, the less time

I'm awake to do bad things, and think about bad things.)

I feel like the only two people on earth who won't get mad

at me for feeling like this, and understand if I don't want

to eat the sandwich they made for me, and come to my house

if I'm too low to get out of bed, just abandoned me.

But they didn't. They're just going to school. But they're half way

across the country, together, and I'm here. Not together at all.

It's dumb, but I really have no idea how to function

without them here. I don't like having no one.

I'm scared. And I feel like I don't deserve to be scared,

because I brought this upon myself when I decided to throw

up after I fucking eat. I asked for this, didn't I?

I need a hug. I can feel my bones again.

63.

That could easily be number 1 on the list of things I really,

REALLY did not want to know this week.