59.

It's interesting... you
are interesting.

Infatuation with a dying
man. Dumb.

I miss my friends.

I miss you.

Also, I'm going to see Parker today.
I'll wear an extra sweater, just to make him
smile.

58.

feelings make things complicated,
explaining feelings is even more complicated.
I have trouble articulating my thoughts and
ideas, taking them from my head
and making them open
for people.

awkward when you read that,
because I was afraid to know what you'd
think
or feel, which turns out it's no
big deal to you, which was what I was aftaid to find out
(hurt my heart a bit...)
But that's not a bad thing.
I don't want you bothered. I only want you to feel how you feel.
Just, sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

No hostility involved... I don't know
how I can convince you that I
have no ill thought of you
at all. I wasn't being hostile...

Please keep me. I'm just bad at words. Get it?

57.

I finally did the right thing.

56.

when I think, I think in a Birmingham
accent.

for the record, I miss you
terribly
and it feels weird having you not
be.

for the record, you're the most
incredible human being.

for the record, I have a bit of a
thing for you, and you make
the barge much less
treacherous.

for the record, I miss how my
house felt before you moved in.

for the record, when you talk
like that
it makes me feel like a fucking
teenager.

for the record, you
make me want to starve. Not that I'd
ever tell you
to your
face.

for the record, I hate her.
just a bit.

for the record, you aren't trying hard
enough.

for the record, I don't tell you
the truth. ever. I'm not doing better.

55.

A repetition of sounds floating
in and out of space, consuming the outer
layers of my body
and not letting
go of it.

54.

For lack of better vocabulary,
and a substantial amount of negative feelings,
this sucks, and I feel like shit.

August needs to be over, please.

53.

1. You weren't supposed to make my heart hurt.
2. I need to take my medication more regularly.
3. They are leaving, and I'm not going anywhere.
4. I don't want to grow up.
5. I made a dumb decision.
6. I wish I could bring my therapist to the barge.
7. He's such a beautiful person, why does he have to have
such a tragic life? He can't die. If anyone deserves life,
it is him.
8. I lost you as a friend when I started having feelings for
you. How sad is that?
9. I forget how to grieve.
8. I will always be just a little bit in love with you.
You'd think after six years that would go away.
7. I write in my blog too much now. This is a sign that I
should start talking to my friends more, I reckon.
6. I'm jealous.
5. I'm afraid to go see you in the hospital, because I don't want
it to be the last memory I have of you.
4. You used to make me feel human. That stopped. I wish it didn't.
3. I don't know what to do with my hands. I wish people understood
me when I said that.
2. I'm tired of this movie. I wish people understood me when I said
THAT, too.
1. Every time I make myself throw up, I'm quite sure I lose a piece
of my soul.
0. 5%.


Thoughts in the past 30 seconds.