32.

i remember,

being relevant,

now- transparent.

i used to have a personality.

31,

i was wondering- could i give you the reigns so i could fall

and lose what i don't need and don't want

but i do want it. or at least i think i do. i want something.

but need is better than want, and what i need is to be monitored every damned minute of my day to make sure i don't purge or restrict...

because i can't do it by myself.

today i lost all the hope i had.

"you are not sick enough for inpatient. bulimics don't go there. what you need is CBT and outpatient."

thank you, but i've been in therapy for 3 years. i know what i need, and what i need is a doctor who will take my disease seriously.

30.

i'm so afraid of living,

and failing

and falling

and forgetting,

so how do i separate living with

growing up and growing out

of everything i've always done?

change is harder than it should be.

how hard is it to eat a piece of fucking birthday cake?